Sight

No one was surprised, really, when it happened. This kid had been one of our most faithful participants in church so we'd noticed that his old pair of glasses had been repaired time and time again. So when I picked him up at camp, finding them in pieces in his hand was almost to be expected.

A couple of the camp staffers pulled me aside. They felt bad about his glasses situation and had taken up a collection from the other staff so we could restore his sight.

That really helped when I dropped him off at home. I was able to tell Mom that we were ready to replace what was left of his specs so she made the appointment and we all went to the optometrist together. He got his prescription updated and we found some amazingly durable yet sufficiently cool frames. We'd received enough in the collection from camp to cover all the costs.

I took him a couple days later to pick them up. He was so happy to be able to see clearly again and bounced up the steps back into his house when I dropped him off.

I didn't see him at church that weekend. That was unusual but not unheard of.

But then he wasn't there the next weekend, or the weekend after that, or the weekend after that. This was the new pattern. I'd bump into him on the streets once in a while but church was clearly something he wasn't interested in.

It was somewhere in that time when I let those six dangerous words creep into my head:

"After all I've done for you."

I don't know that I actually said them, but they were festering inside me. WE took him to camp. WE collected the money to get the new glasses. WE took him to the optometrist. WE paid the bill. WE gave him a ride.

Yet he wasn't hanging out with us any more.

After all we'd done for him.

And when I find those thoughts and feelings inside me know I'm ready for a time out. Because when those words are in me I know I can be saying a lot of unsightly things.

Those words say that I have ulterior motives in ministry.

Those words say my love is conditional.

Those words say that I'm not serving, I'm exchanging.

Those words say that doing the right thing is only necessary when payback in imminent.

Those words shift my actions from "Thy will be done" to "My will be done."

Those words say that the most important thing is what I get out of serving, not what those who I serve get out of what I do.

I don't like what those words say about me. I don't like the kind of god those word's actions in me reflect to the world.

Because Jesus had done more for me that I could ever recognize much less pay back. And I trust that since He loves me unconditionally that He's not up there brooding over the thought, "After all I've done for him."

So I when those words start creeping into my head it's time for a motivation check and an attitude adjustment. Why am I here? Why do I do what I do? What kind of invisible expectations have I placed on people? What must people do in order for me to love and serve them?

When I can get the right answers to those questions deep enough in my heart, my mind, body, and spirit, it starts showing in my attitude. It's then that I can really get back to serving others.

And months later once my vision had been corrected in this case, the kid didn't owe me anything and I was free to love and serve him again. Only then did he find his way back to the church.

Create in me a clean heart, Lord.